Journey to Glam

Everyone has a moment in their lives that lives just under their skin, etched forever like a lightly fading scar. Its during this infamous moment that time seems to slow and both confusion and clarity hit with such strength that they knock you right off your feet. The clarity seems so crystal clear and the confusion about why it didn’t make sense any earlier than now is clear too. If you haven’t had this sort of moment yet, I promise you will; you’ll know it when you see it.

To say that I enjoy these moments of clarity would be an understatment…no,  no, I don’t just enjoy them…they feed my soul and juice up the deepest parts of my being.  You know why? Its because I have always enjoyed power; No I’m not talking about being the ruler of the free world kind of power but I enjoy feeling powerful. I enjoy being in control of my life, my thoughts, my abilities. I enjoy knowing where the bread crumbs lead.

And luckily up until now, it was easy to live in that enjoyment because these past two decades of my life, it was easy to know. There was a right and a wrong to every decision that I made; there was a “good” way to be and a “bad” way to be and as long as I followed the path that others had set out before me, I would be fine. Go to school, keep good company, say no to drugs, stay focused on the good things, graduate from college. Check, check, check, check and check. Okay, done! what now?

Well somewhere along that path, somewhere between backstreet boys and coldplay,  between monopoly money and my first american express, the black and white in my life turned into a mushy, opaque gray. I’m realizing now how lucky I was to have good and bad decisions to choose from because those don’t seem to exist anymore…everything is just a variable that can go one way or another and theres no one to tell you what to do anymore. It liberating, promising, hopeful and paralyzing all at the same time. Every moment that is yet to pass has the promise of being molded into something better and greater than I can imagine all the while terrifying me as I step into unknown horizons.

But then, that power that comes with feeling in control, the power that comes with knowing that the crazy mismatched pieces of my life were fit together by me…well that moment of clarity and self conviction makes all that agonizing and scrutiny worthwhile. And if I fall in a wrong decision, if I die in a lion’s fight, well choosing to do so is the difference between walking onto the battlefield and walking onto the battlefield with your head held high. At least then, the slightly fading scars you bear are authentic and vintage.

And then, just like that, somewhere in between learning to dot my i’s and writing a thesis,  somewhere in between a school playground and the real world, somewhere in between britney spears…and a more psychotic britney spears, I stand knee deep in opaque, gray muck finally ready to be labeled an adult.